Talk:Paul Krichell/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: KV5 (Talk • Phils) 19:23, 30 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I will begin reviewing this article in-depth over the next few days, but there are a few items to fix that should be taken care of before any deep prose review is undertaken.

Remove all {{Baseball Year}} templates from prose. They shouldn't be used like this where they look like simple year links. They don't provide any context to the reader who doesn't look at where they go. This has recently been the subject of much discussion.
Done. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 20:09, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Find and check all currency amounts and add {{inflation}} equivalents.
"Scouting style" section should be combined into the "Scouting career" section as a level-3 subhead because they are intrinsically related.
I would disagree on this one, mainly due to the size of the style section, combined with the fact that if a level 3 subhead was put where asked, it'd be thrown in the middle of the scouting section, which feels odd. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 03:53, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'll come back and begin an in-depth review as soon as I have time. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 19:23, 30 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

First tranche of comments

Here is my first group of comments for correction. I've reviewed the scope of the article, and it seems to be complete, so this will likely be merely a copyedit and general checkover.

Lead

"He is best known" - is this confirmed by the offline source (ref 2)? Otherwise, "best known" is POV or could be OR.
"Krichell talent evaluations" - Krichell's
"was a key reason" - subject-verb agreement, "was" should be were
"Yankees dynasty" - this is possessive; it should either be Yankee dynasty, where Yankee becomes an adjective, or Yankees' dynasty, remaining possessive
"1920s Murderer's Row teams" - would read better as Murderer's Row teams of the 1920s in conjunction with the following clause
"Krichell was signed as a scout by Ed Barrow in 1920" - who does Barrow work for? The Yankees? Another organization?
"His "discoveries" included" - why quotes? Remove.
"Baseball Hall of Famer's" - not possessive, remove apostrophe
"(who didn't sign with the Yankees)" - this isn't really leadworthy, but if it stays, remove the contraction
"Ed Barrow called Krichell" - remove first name, as you've already mentioned it in the lead
Lead finished. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 03:32, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

"He grew up in Bronx" - should be The Bronx and linked appropriately
"near Yankee Stadium stood" - huh?
"catcher" - link? (also in lead?)
"with the Ossining club" - unless you click on the link, you don't know where Ossining is (the state, specifically). Consider a re-word to make this clear.
"inaugural Hudson River League in 1903" - I think there's a missing word here. Do you mean the Hudson River League's inaugural season?
"He first played for Ed Barrow, who became manager of the Montreal Royals in 1910." - this seems incomplete. Do you mean that he first played for Barrow in 1910, or that Barrow became the manager in 1910? This needs to be clarified.
Done. Didn't link catcher though because it was linked in the lead already. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 15:30, 9 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Playing career

"He was ~~mainly~~ used"
"19 hits and eight runs batted in on 82 at bats." - comparable quantities per MOS:NUM; change "eight" to 8
"The next year he played in 59 games" - comma after "year"
"in 59 games, while sharing catching duties" - remove comma after "games"
"In 161 at-bats" - link at bat, comma after, remove hyphen.
"Krichell had ~~just~~ 35 hits for a ~~measly~~ .217 batting average" - besides the removals, I don't like the "for a... batting average" construction. Consider rewording; I suggest Krichell collected 35 hits, amassing a .217 batting average or something similar.
"His fielding was among the worst in the league for catchers" - the reference doesn't verify that he was "among the worst"; it just verifies his statistical total. Re-word, cite, or remove.
"Krichell let Ty Cobb steal" - I doubt that he "let him"; consider a re-word. Maybe something like Ty Cobb stole second, third, and home against Krichell in a 1912 game, etc.
"In a later game Krichell was injured" - comma after game
"when Cobb spiked him" - link spike
"play on home plate" - should be at, not on
"Cleats back in the early 20th century were pointed, and some players used their cleats to try to harm a player." - I don't know how relevant this is; seems like it belongs in the baseball jargon article. Regardless, if it stays, remove "back", change "some players" to some baserunners and change "a player" to other players
"almost detaching it from his shoulder, effectively ending his baseball career." - remove comma and replace with and
Done, mostly. I checked the different catchers and the 'worst in the league' actually does hold water, but alas I have no way to effectively cite it. I tweaked it though, if still an issue I'll remove it. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 16:04, 9 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'll return with a second tranche of comments when I have additional time. Hopefully this gives you a good place to start. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 22:43, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Second tranche of comments

Managing career

"The Browns released him" - since it's the first mention in the section, change "him" to Krichell
"He ~~managed to recover~~ from his injury" - changed to recovered
"a couple of seasons" - how many is a couple? Be specific.
"for the Bridgeport, Connecticut club for the Eastern League" - for the Eastern League's Bridgeport, Connecticut club would be more concise
"June 27, 1918" - comma after year
"players in the Bronx" - de-link, used barely half a screen earlier
"and move back to baseball as a career" - return to baseball would be more formal, and "as a career" isn't really necessary. The comma before this could be removed since the sentence is getting shorter.
"New York University baseball team" - link should be expanded to cover the words "baseball team" because otherwise it just looks like a link to the school
"He then signed for Ed Barrow to become a coach" - unclear, who signed where? Did Krichell become a coach or did Barrow? Regardless, "then" should be removed as it's superfluous.
Section done. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 23:26, 10 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Scouting career

"On the request of Barrow, now the new general manager of the New York Yankees, Krichell became a full-time scout" - wait... what? I thought Barrow was with the Red Sox? What happened? Where did the change come from? No timeframe?
"The Yankees at the time had a two-man scouting rotation" - move "At the time" to the beginning of the sentence
"The first player he signed" - "he" is ambiguous here, as you refer to two men in the prior sentence
"was Hinkey Haines" - comma after "Haines"
"He then signed catcher Benny Bengough from Buffalo of the International League. and Charlie Caldwell a Princeton University graduate."

remove "then"
change period after IL to comma
add comma after "Caldwell"

"A pitcher who only appeared in three games in his career" - his whole pro career or his major league career?
"Caldwell was ~~being~~ used"
"That lead the way for Lou Gehrig" - "lead" should be led
Found another inline season link (1912 St. Louis Browns season and 1923 Yankees season).
"~~to be in attendance~~ for a"
"He happened to be in the same train with" - "happened to be" is pretty informal, but I don't know specifically what to suggest. Should be re-worded.
Fixes made up to here. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 06:30, 12 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"Gehrig hit two home runs in three at-bats" - should be clarified that it refers to that game or that day
"After the game Krichell spoke with Ed Barrow"

comma after "game"
Barrow linked again? Remove first name and link.

"Skeptical, Barrow send Krichell" - sent
"next game against New York University" - NYU is linked above (though to the team, the school link itself doesn't provide a lot of context).
"After the game Gehrig" - comma after game
"where he sometimes started at Columbia," - it was already mentioned above that he pitched at Columbia, so this is superfluous.
"On June 11, 1923" - comma after year
"He did batting practice with the Yankees, while informing manager Miller Huggins about the player." - this doesn't make a lot of sense. Who did batting practice? Who informed what? I'm confused...
"He stayed with the Yankees for two months, getting several chances to play as a pinch hitter." - who stayed? I'm getting the impression that it's Gehrig, and we don't need all this detail about him in an article about Krichell. The focus is straying.
"On August 1, Huggins decided to send Gehrig to the Hartford Senators, where the team instructed the manager of the club to play him every day at first base, regardless of circumstances.[24] After a hot start in Hartford, Gehrig went though a long slump and depression, leading him to consider quitting baseball." - more about Gehrig; there's some important stuff here but it needs to be reduced to just enough to provide context for Krichell's trip.
"Krichell was emergency deployed" - something's not right with that wording, because "emergency" is not an adjective. I don't know if "deployed" is the right word either, as he's not a military unit. Maybe "dispatched"?
"During a steak dinner, he found out that Gehrig was drinking. He told Gehrig that even the best players slump from time to time. He even gave batting advice to Gehrig, giving him one of Ty Cobb's old batting tricks." - informal language. Again, I'm at a loss for what to suggest here.
Done. This one was harder since it did lose focus a bit, so I trimmed it down. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 03:34, 13 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Second group complete; I hope to get another section done before the end of the night tonight. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 22:24, 9 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Third tranche of comments

Starting at "Later signings":

"Around the same time" - this doesn't seem appropriate right after a new level-2 header. Very severe to be considered a continuation of the previous section.
"he was watching" - first mention in a new section, change pronoun "he" to Krichell
"~~both~~ Jimmie Foxx and Mickey Cochrane"
"A minor leaguer had refused to report to the Minneapolis Millers, and they were going to lose $10,000" - who's they? Barrow and Krichell? The team? I would try to reduce this sentence and fold it into the previous sentence because it's very abrupt; it's unclear that the minor leaguer is the direct reason behind Barrow's telegram. Also, "$10,000" needs an inflation-adjusted equivalent.
"By the time he took care of the situation with the minor leaguer" - informal
"~~both~~ Foxx and Cochrane"
"He ~~then~~ went" - plus pronoun to start the paragraph again
"future Hall of Fame manager Leo Durocher" - I don't think it's necessary to refer to Durocher as a future HoFer before even saying who he is. If people need to know/want to know that he's in the HoF, they can click the link.
"then a young shortstop" - comma after "shortstop"
"$7,500 bonus" - needs {{inflation}}
"finishing ~~the~~ arrangements"
Up to here, will try to get rest done today. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 13:28, 15 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"The previous season with the Salt Lake Bees of the Pacific Coast League" - I think we're missing a leading transitional word here... perhaps During the previous season. The focus is kind of awkward here too; it's centered more on the team than the player. Suggest During the previous season, Lazzeri hit 60 home runs and batted in over 200 runs for the Salt Lake Bees of the Pacific Coast League.
"Lazzeri struck out too much" - what's "too much"? Could be OR. A solid objective number would be much better if possible.
"The Bees were asking for $50,000" - {{inflation}}
"were given first looks" - perhaps the first look or a first look?
"and managed to convince" - and convinced
"he helped acquire shortstop Mark Koenig" - I don't know if two verbs ("helped acquire") are necessary here. There's probably a less wordy way to say it, but I am at a loss.
"With these signings, Krichell helped build the 1927 New York Yankees season, considered by many to be the greatest team ever assembled" - a team and a season are two distinct entities; clarify. Also, it says "considered by many", but there's only one source.
Will try to find a couple more to add. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear}
"Krichell had a hand in signing four starters" - Krichell signed
"three-fourths of its infield, and its main backup Mike Gazella," - three-fourths of its infield and Mike Gazella, its main backup...
"$500 back in 1923" - {{inflation}}, and remove "back"
"The Yankees swept the Pittsburgh Pirates in four games to win the 1927 World Series." - ref?
Doesn't seem necessary to me, since just clicking the world series link clearly shows it. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear}
"Right before the start of the regular season" - which season? Do you mean the 1925 season referenced in the link? How did we go from 1927 to 1925? Also, remove "Right" and "the start of", as they're redundant.
"star slugger" - informal
"Manager Miller Huggins assigned Krichell" - it was noted earlier in the article that Huggins was the manager, so remove that qualifier.
"where he had emergency surgery" - this is ambiguous, because until now, "he" has referred to Krichell in this section. Change to who had emergency surgery....
"He soon signed Bill Werber" - pronoun to start a paragraph again, remove "soon"
"He stayed a month, but left the team when left he couldn't get a chance to play. He later resigned with the Yankees when he graduated from Duke in 1930. During that time, he was involved in one of the worst deals for a player from the era." - now who is "he"? Seems like this might refer to two different people, but I can't be sure by the context. Also, there's a difference between "resigned" and re-signed.
"He was in Knoxville, Tennessee when Barrow assigned Krichell to travel to Durham, North Carolina to negotiate with Durham Bulls for a outfielder named Dusty Cooke." - who was in Knoxville? Krichell? If so, better wording would be Krichell was in Knoxville, Tennessee when Barrow assigned him to travel.... Also, should be the Durham Bulls
"speculation at the time hyped him to believe" - informal
"he was a great hitter, though he hardly played for the Bulls." - do you mean Cooke?
"The Yankees signed him for $15,000" - {{inflation}}
"beating the Cleveland Indians offer" - add apostrophe after "Indians", as this is possessive
"of $12,500" - {{inflation}}
"player to be named" - could be linked (I think we have an article on the player to be named later)
"injury prone backup outfielder" - should be injury-prone, and link to Fourth outfielder
"with the Yankees giving up on both Cooke and Werber" - might be better as and the Yankees gave up on both players.
"he discovered Hank Greenberg" - pronoun to open another paragraph
"discovered the next Lou Gehrig[34]" - punct?
"he knew wouldn't" - missing a pronoun ("he knew he); remove contraction
"Krichell ~~then~~ referred"
Done, excluding the couple notes above. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 04:23, 20 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Fourth tranche of comments

Apologies for the delay in getting caught up with this. It's been a very busy week.

1930s

"In the beginning of the 1930s" - In the early 1930s is less wordy, and follow with a comma after "1930s"
"if he hadn't quit baseball" - informal
"He ~~then~~ scouted pitcher"
"signed him in the Garde Hotel in New Haven" - is this relevant?
"Brosca" - is this Broaca?
"He signed Marius Russo from Long Island University in 1935" - pronoun to open a paragraph, change "he" to Krichell
What position does Marius Russo play?
"Russo was stashed" - informal
"Krichell. When Krichell" - any way to avoid this repetition?
"14 game winner" - 14-game
"and a All-Star in 1941" - and was an All-Star in 1941
"He finally signed" - Finally, he signed would be better, as Borowy hasn't been mentioned to this point and the wording is ambiguous.
"He discovered Johnny Allen by a chance encounter." - pronoun opening a paragraph again. This paragraph is short, however, and should be merged into the previous para.
"and told him that he was a pitcher, and that he wanted to try-out." - re-word to avoid "and... and" construction. Also, try out
"The next outfielder he signed" - how did we jump to outfielders all of a sudden? A transition of some kind would be nice.
"high-converted prospect" - I'm not familiar with this term; did you mean highly touted, perchance?
"In order to get Keller to sign, Krichell managed to stay and have dinner with his family in order to convince them to sign with the Yankees" - reduce redundancy.
"Krichell ~~then~~ signed"
"But Krichell decided to look at the infielder" - don't start sentences with "but"
"Rizzuto can form a double play reminding him of Leo Durocher" - tense became suddenly present instead of past; also some awkward wording, I suggest and was impressed by the way Rizzuto turned double plays; his technique reminded Krichell of Leo Durocher, one of his favorite players.
"Yankees farm club" Yankees'
- Fixed. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 17:48, 1 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

1940s-1950s

"Krichell next target" - Krichell's
"was Snuffy Stirnweiss" - position?
"He first tried to convince Stirnweiss to bypass football for baseball" - would probably flow better as First, he tried
"He refused" - "he" is ambiguous here, change to Stirnweiss
"left him as the sole supporter"
"Krichell managed to sign Stirnweiss to a contract soon afterwards." - informal
"got a good look" - informal
"formally a first baseman" - I'm not sure what's trying to be said here. There's nothing "formal" about this, but "formerly" wouldn't be right either because Ford was a first baseman at this point.
"He told Ford" - Krichell told Ford
"and develop a curve ball" - and recommended that he develop a curveball
"1950s and 60s" - 1950s and 1960s
"He played a factor" - Krichell
comma after "Gene McCann"
"to go see Byrne"
"Krichell supervised the expansion of Yankees scouting staff from two men, to over 20 part-time scouts by 1957" - Krichell supervised the expansion of the Yankees' scouting staff from two men (when?) to more than twenty part-time scouts by 1957 (change to number is based on MOS:NUM)
Why does "Yankees" by itself appear before "New York Yankees" in a paragraph? I would shorten the second to "New York"
"Krichell settled down to a reduced capacity" - informal and a bit stunted
"He also recommended to the Yankees for Casey Stengel as manager of the club in 1949" - He also recommended Casey Stengel to the Yankees to take over as manager of the club in 1949. Also needs a reference.
- Fixed, though couldn't find a cite for the last sentence (I'll keep looking though). Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 04:33, 2 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Final days

"In 1954, he was honored" - Krichell
remove comma after "New York Journal American"
Fix BBWAA abbreviation
"The final two players he signed" - Krichell
position for Carroll?
"18 year old" - 18-year-old
"Krichell advised the Yankees staff to sign Brown for $30,000" - who? (plus inflation)
"By the time, he was the longest employee still working for the Yankees" - re-word, stunted
"Krichell passed away" - WP:EUPHEMISM, change to died
Death date should be moved immediately after the word "died" and before location of death. Suggest Krichell died on June 4, 1957 at his home in the Bronx after an lengthy illness.
"in 1955, after he lost 60 pounds" - remove comma, change "after he lost" to after losing
"His wife of 50 years, Mary died earlier in the year" - is it relevant? If so, comma after "Mary"
"He had one daughter Katherine" - comma after "daughter"
- Done. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 04:39, 2 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Scouting style

"to see how some of his signees are doing" - tense, and informal
"He ~~then~~ scouted the local newspapers to look for games in which potential prospects are playing" - a bit informal as well
I just did a skim-through of this entire paragraph and it has mixed tense throughout, so that needs a big work-over as well. I'll come back to finish this section up once I don't have to jump around the tense anymore.
- Fixed (no kidding on the tense, lol, I hope I caught all of it) Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 05:05, 2 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Final tranche

Scouting style

"if the subject can handle" - could handle
"goals and motive" - motivation would be better than motive
"He let a player's weaknessed" - weaknesses
"Krichell also was one of the first that noticed" - Krichell ~~also~~ was one of the first to notice
"college graduates" - comma after

Legacy

"a member of the Veterans Committee ~~back~~ in the 1980s" - and comma after
"and Hugh Alexander" - comma after
"Under Hall of Fame rules, scouts aren't eligible for induction" - remove contraction "aren't", and needs a reference
"Krichell name" - Krichell's name
"is mentioned contradictory" - the use of "contradictory" is incorrect here, as an adverb is needed here instead of an adjective, but I don't know is "contradictorily" is a word. Otherwise, consider a re-word.
" as the Paul Krichell Talent Scout Award an example of a team having a good chance of signing a player who later becomes a star, but passes because of poor scouting." - I don't even understand what this wording is trying to say because of the grammar. I don't know if you could possibly clarify for me, Wizardman, so I can make a suggestion.

References

Check to make sure all page numbers for book references are correct. For example, the Jonathan Eig reference shows as pages 38-40, but the recalls later to that reference show pages all the way out to 134. I'm almost sure that's an incorrect usage. Could be wrong though.
Is Ref 25 truly entitled "The Life and times of Babe Ruth", or should that be capitalized?

External links

Baseballstats template could likely be expanded to include other sites.
Krichell is not mentioned in the Yankees navbox; remove.

That should be it. Once these are complete, I will give the article a last skim-over before making a final decision. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 12:51, 2 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 16:52, 2 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The last hurrah

Here I will post any final comments that I see in my final read-over. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 16:19, 3 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"was a former Major League Baseball catcher" - "was a former... catcher" seems redundant. Remove "former"
"(1911 and 1912)" - this isn't needed in the lead, it's in the infobox and the article
"when he became manager" - who is "he"? It's ambiguous here. Suggest when Barrow became manager
"after the 1912 season" - remove inline year link
First you say that the injury ended his playing career, then he plays six more seasons. Which is it? Did it end his major league career?
"and become a full-time scout" - should be to become
"Krichell's most important signing for the Yankees was of Lou Gehrig, back when he was a player in Columbia University." - what says he was the "most important"? Also, remove "back" and change "in" to at.
Still think the 1927 WS sweep needs a reference.
"but left the team when left he couldn't get a chance to play" - huh?
"Neither Krichell nor Barrow had seen Cooke, however he was believed to be a great hitter" - change comma to semicolon, add comma after "however"
"to try-out" - remove hyphen
"who played with the University of Maryland" - playing for the University of Maryland eliminates double "who" construction
"signed on several position players"
"$75 a month", "$7,000 in 1947", "for $10,000" - {{inflation}}
"played a factor for signing" - in signing
"The final two players Krichell signed were two bonus babies, Tom Carroll from Notre Dame University, and Frank Leja, an 18 year old first baseman" - punctuation changes as follows: The final two players Krichell signed were two bonus babies: Tom Carroll, from Notre Dame University; and Frank Leja, an 18-year-old first baseman.
"if the subject can handle" - change "can" to could (was not addressed above)
"He then decideed" - eliminate "then", and fix spelling
"normally 300+" - change to 300 or more
"weaknessed" - weaknesses (was not addressed above)
"who survived the workout," - remove comma
"back in the 1980s" - remove "back" (was not addressed above)
"and Hugh Alexander" - comma after "Alexander" (not addressed above)
"scouts aren't eligible for induction" - remove contraction, and needs reference (was not addressed above)
"Krichell name" - Krichell's name (was not addressed above)
"is mentioned contradictory in The Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract, as the Paul Krichell Talent Scout Award an example of a team having a good chance of signing a player who later becomes a star, but passes because of poor scouting" - this still needs a reword, as mentioned above, because I have no idea what it's trying to say.

Only the scout ref and the final note are left to fix. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 19:22, 8 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Done. If the last sentence is still unclear, I'll add in an example from the abstract. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 20:09, 8 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

OK, everything looks good except for a linking issue in references 2 and 9. As soon as that's fixed, this will pass. KV5 (Talk • Phils) 12:55, 9 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 13:22, 9 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]