Wikipedia:Peer review/Idlewild and Soak Zone/archive1

Idlewild and Soak Zone

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for October 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
Just looking for feedback on how to improve this article. It's a bit rough, as it's hard to find reliable sources, but I've done my best to use the history section of the park's website here, as well as some other sections I've tried to elaborate on. Thanks, Grsz^X 03:39, 8 October 2008 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a good start, and I see possibilities for improvement. Here are a few suggestions:

• The lead should summarize the main text. The existing lead seems to be an introductory paragraph rather than a summary. Ideally, the lead would include at least a mention of the main points in each of the main text sections, and it would not include information not developed in the main text. Please see WP:LEAD.

Let me know if it needs more done. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

• The article could be improved through the use of images.

I agree. I'm not very well-versed in the free use policy, so I'll have to recruit help. Grsz^X 20:32, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

If you have a digital camera, or if you have a friend with one, you could make your own images and upload them. It takes a while to learn how to upload and license them correctly, but it's a lot of fun and very useful once you get the hang of it. Please see WP:UPIMAGE if this sounds interesting.

• More research, which would uncover a greater variety of sources, would no doubt help. The amusement park's press releases and web site are OK as starting places, but they can be expected to be self-serving. They are therefore weak sources for satisfying WP:V. A quick Google search on the park's name produced this hit: Amusement Parks of Pennsylvania, which has a chapter on Idlewild and Soak Zone. You might have to visit a library or bookstore to gain access to the whole chapter since the on-line version includes protected (blank) pages. Newspapers and magazines are other possible sources.

I think I sufficiently expanded the history section. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

• The lists of rides offer opportunities for expansion. You might think about writing a paragraph about each of the most interesting or unusual rides instead of just listing them. I'm not sure it's useful simply to list each of the water slides, for example. Unless they are explained, names like Hydro Racers and Little Squirts are hard to differentiate.

Expanded into prose that explains additions/history that isn't covered in the actual History section. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

• Direct quotes need a citation. The first sentence of the "History" section should have a reference immediately after the end of the quoted material. Please see WP:IMAGE.

Done. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

• The first sentence of the "History" section mentions William Darlington but doesn't say who he was or how he had the power to grant anything to Thomas Mellon. It would be good to tell the readers who Darlington was. In this same opening section, you mention Pittsburgh. Most people won't know how far Ligonier is from Pittsburgh. You might add this information and also tell us where the railroad went. Perhaps it was a short line from Ligonier to Pittsburgh?

Done. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

• It would be good to have a copyeditor review the article. I see small errors such as the two in this phrase: " ...it's removal had little lasting effect. Under the MacDonald's... " You mean "its removal" and the "MacDonalds".

Went back through while I was expanding, but I'm sure there are still some issues. Will look again. Grsz^X 01:32, 15 October 2008 (UTC)

I hope you find these few suggestions helpful. If you have questions, please ask. I'll keep a watch on this review page. Finetooth (talk) 04:59, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

Further Finetooth comments: Congratulations. You've made remarkable improvements to the article in a short time. You asked for additional comments, and I have three more suggestions.

• The lead is too short and does not adequately summarize the whole of the main text. I would aim for about three paragraphs that include more about the history, the various owners, and the specific rides and entertainments. I would certainly mention Mr. Rogers. In addition, instead of saying that the park is "regarded as one of the best family amusement parks in the world", which is a judgment not directly supported by a source, I would stick to naming the awards. This serves the same purpose without violating POV.

I expanded a bit, let me know what you think now. Grsz

Yes, that's better. Since one-sentence paragraphs are usually frowned upon, I merged the third paragraph with the first. I think that works OK. Finetooth (talk) 22:06, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

^X 19:23, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

• The POV thought leads to my second suggestion. In the Parques Reunidos section, you say, "all of the company's parks would maintain their family-first attitude... " It's not clear what a "family-first attitude" means, and it sounds to me like public-relations language or advertising language produced by the owners. I mention this primarily because it has crept into the lead in the sentence, "Originally a family-run park, Idlewild maintains a family environment and is regarded as one of the best family amusement parks in the world." The thumping on "family" three times in this sentence gives off a whiff of POV that you don't need. The basic facts about the park make it clear that it is meant to attract families with children.

I think I fixed this how you suggested. Grsz^X 19:23, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

Looks OK now. Finetooth (talk) 22:06, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

• I did some copyediting as I went through the revised article, but I ran into a sentence I couldn't fix. It is "The Wild Mouse was built by Vekoma and previously operated at Weiner Prater in Vienna and Alton Towers in Staffordshire, England, since 1985." I couldn't tell if that meant that Vekoma built the Wild Mouse in 1985 in Vienna or that the Wild Mouse operated in Vienna for a while and then at Alton Towers or exactly what. As I write this, I'm thinking that there must be more than one Wild Mouse. Maybe "since 1985" means that the Wild Mice in Vienna and Staffordshire are still up and running. Anyway, this sentence needs clarification.

I tried to clarify, let me know if you get what I mean now. Grsz^X 19:23, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

Almost. I removed the "since" date because it still was not clear what it referred to. The sentence now makes sense to me, but if the removed date is important, you might need to re-insert it somewhere. Finetooth (talk) 22:06, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

I hope these additional comments are helpful. Again, I'm impressed by how much you've improved the article already. Finetooth (talk) 18:45, 16 October 2008 (UTC)