Wikipedia:Peer review/Lomana LuaLua/archive1
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe that all it lacks is a good lead. I want to see if anyone can suggest any other improvements for this article bearing in mind that I haven't contributed to it yet.
Thanks, Spiderone (talk) 12:49, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This is interesting, generally well-written, stable, neutral, seems factually accurate and verifiable, and is broad in coverage. I agree that the lead needs work. Also, a few sentences, especially toward the end, have too many clauses and might be better split in two. I have noted some of those below, but I'm not sure I mentioned them all. Another read-through with that in mind would be a good idea. Here are a few specific suggestions or questions to consider.
Lead
- MOS:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." As you indicate, the existing lead doesn't quite do that. A good rule of thumb is to include at least a mention of each of the main text sections and not to include anything in the lead that is not developed in the main text.
- Spell out Democratic Republic of the Congo here and in the infobox? Otherwise it looks like Dr. Congo or something mysterious.
Background
- "He attended Forest Gate Community school as a teenager and started to play football at the age of 16 and was playing for Leyton Sixth Form College in London when he was spotted at the age of 17 by Third Division side, Colchester United." - Too many clauses. Suggestion: "He attended Forest Gate Community school as a teenager and started to play football at the age of 16. He was playing for Leyton Sixth Form College in London when he was spotted at the age of 17 by Third Division side, Colchester United."
- "His brother, Kazenga LuaLua, is also a professional footballer who currently plays for Lomana's former club... " - It's better to use "as of 2009" than "currently" since things may be different in a year or two.
Newcastle United
- WP:MOS#Italics says in part, "For quotations, use only quotation marks (for short quotations) or block quoting (for long ones), not italics." All of the italics in this section should be changed to regular type. Ditto for italicized quotations in the other sections and in the reference section.
Al-Arabi
- The Manual of Style generally deprecates extremely short sections like this one. Since its only sentence mentions 2008, perhaps this section could be expanded.
International career
- "threats were made to his family, which caused him to consider his international career" - "reconsider" rather than "consider"?
- "but in the next game against the hosts Tunisia, he was sent off" - Wikilink sent off?
- "LuaLua was recalled to the DR Congo squad for a friendly against Tunisa... " - Would it be helpful to explain what "a friendly" means?
- "He was named as the captain of DR Congo for the tournament in place of Shabani Nonda who was injured for a second successive Nations Cup,[73] but delayed his departure to be available to his club Portsmouth for a crucial league match,[74] missing a friendly with Senegal." - Too many clauses perhaps? Suggestion: "He was named as the captain of DR Congo for the tournament in place of Shabani Nonda, who was injured for a second successive Nations Cup.[73] However, he delayed his departure to be available to his club Portsmouth for a crucial league match,[74] missing a friendly with Senegal."
Disambiguation links
- The disambiguation tool that lives here identified three disambiguation problems in the article. You can use the tool to see where they are and figure out the correct fix.
Image
- The license looks odd to me, but perhaps it's OK. The file size is awfully small for a self-made photo. The uploader and the photographer don't seem to be the same person. How can a fact-checker be sure the photographer wanted to license the image this way?
- It's been there for 2 years so I assume it's OK. I searched Flickr but unfortunately I couldn't find anything. Spiderone (talk) 12:53, 18 July 2009 (UTC)
I hope these few comments are helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:33, 15 July 2009 (UTC)