I recommend creating a new level 1 heading: Political career, and then placing headings from "Early political career" down to and including "Later life and career" as level 2 headings.
Lead section / Infobox
Nash served as the Member for the Hutt electorate for 13 consecutive terms over a period of 38 years and 168 days. As of 2023, he is the 4th longst serving MP. [1] All this is notable and worth including in the lead, and also in a suitable place in the body of the article.
The lead needs to say that when Nash died on 4 June 1968 at the age of 86, he was still a serving MP. He is apparently the oldest person to be a serving MP See: List of electoral firsts in New Zealand#Age when retired or left This is worth adding in the lead and in the body of the article.
Also, I recommend adding that Nash held the role of Minister of Finance for 14 years, including through the period of World War II. It appears that Nash is the longest-serving Minister of Finance in New Zealand's history, and this could also be worth including in the lead and the body of the article.
I've added this but worded it as longest consecutive Minister of Finance as Nash's 5,121 days is just below Sir Joseph Ward's cumulative 5,207 days in the role. Kiwichris (talk) 03:56, 5 April 2023 (UTC)[reply]
The content in the lead needs to include some brief mention of the beliefs that guided his actions over the years. There will be many sources, but perhaps these ones might be useful: [2], [3] NB: Any content added to the lead must appear in the body.
The content in the lead needs to include some brief mention of his involvement in international affairs
The content in the lead needs to briefly mention his death and state funeral
The content in the lead needs to include some brief mention of the personal weaknesses that are described in several sources, to give some balance. Any such content must also appear in the body.
Including Kidderminster seems too much of a fine detail for the lead. Maybe West Midlands might be more appropriate.
Including the Infobox parameter "Occupation" as Clerk under Personal details seems unbalanced and unnecessary. By the age of 40 he was heavily involved in politics and was the National Secretary of the Labour Party. He was a leading politician with continuous service for the next 40 years
The sentence "He was from the moderate wing of the Labour Party." is currently isolated in the 3rd paragraph, with no connection to the rest of the content. I suggest relocating this sentence. I also suggest the addition (following that sentence, wherever it is relocated) of something along these lines: He was critised by the left wing of the party for failing to support the strikers during the 1951 Waterfront Dispute, and for not taking stronger action over the controversial exclusion of Māori players from the 1961 rugby tour of South Africa.
Replace: "Nash served as the Member for the Hutt electorate..." with "He served as the Member for the Hutt electorate..." to avoid two sentences starting with "Nash"
Replace the sentence beginning: "At 14 years he is the longest consecutively serving..." with "At 14 years he has the longest period of continuous service of any New Zealand minister of finance, and this service included the entire period of World War II"
"critised " should be "criticised"
rework the 4th sentence in the last paragraph to: "Nash was active in international affairs and travelled extensively during his premiership, revising trade terms and supporting aid and development in other nations."
Early life
The sentence "By 1908, however, problems began to arise; his wife and son were both ill and a daughter died at birth." should be split to avoid the semi-colon, and the first phrase reworked as "However, by 1908 problems began to arise" to improve the flow.
The sentence "After arriving in Wellington, in May 1909, Nash became secretary to a local tailor." does not need a comma after "Wellington"
rework the phrase "Nash would remain a "Christian Socialist" for the remainder of his life," to "Nash remained a "Christian Socialist" for the rest of his life"
the sentence: "Nash's financial situation deteriorated, however, when the tailor's firm that he worked for (and was a shareholder of) declined." does not flow well, and needs re-writing
Early political career
I recommend this section should finish prior to Nash getting elected to parliament. The remaining sentences in this section could be moved to beneath a new level 2 heading "Member for Hutt". This would also be a suitable place for a comment about his length of service in that role. One of the benefits of this change is it will move the parlbox to the next section and avoid the sandwiching of some text between the parlbox and the photo on screens set to the default view.
the final phrase in this sentence needs rework. "In 1918, however, he helped to establish the New Plymouth branch of the modern Labour Party and he became highly active." What does "highly active" mean ? The first comma in the sentence is unnecessary.
the first comma in this sentence is unnecessary: "When they returned to New Zealand, in January 1921,..."
the first comma in this sentence is unnecessary: "Despite the reputation that this fine gave him, among his fellow socialists, .."
the sentence "On arrival the party was found to have an all up debt of £220. " needs rewriting. "Arrival" suggests a journey and a destination. What does "all up" mean ?
the first comma in this sentence is unnecessary: "The debt was settled when, together with Nash's own loan,.."
in the same sentence, the reference to John Glover needs review. The article John Glover (New Zealand politician) says Glover had been manager of the labour journal Maoriland Worker, but it is not immediately clear that he held this role when the loan was made. For better flow, try to minimise the use of parentheses in the text. What does "some" mean in this sentence ?
the claim "He is often credited with turning the Labour Party into a fully functioning entity;" needs at least one inline citation
rework the sentence "He also established a permanent national office for the party after party delegates voted to establish one at the 1922 annual conference. " to avoid "established" and "establish" and two uses of "party" in the one sentence
in the sentence "Having a centralised location to coordinate party activities and election campaigns was seen as a vital step up to Labour becoming a major political party in New Zealand." are the words "seen as" necessary ? If the citation supports the statement, then the words "seen as" are superfluous.
the sentence " In Parliament Nash became one of Labour's main finance spokesmen." needs expansion. For instance, did he immediately become a finance spokesperson for the Labour party as soon as he took up his seat on the opposition benches ?
Minister of Finance
there is a gap in content here. It should be made clear in the narrative that Nash held the role of Minister of Finance for 14 years, including through the period of World War II. Looking at Minister_of_Finance_(New_Zealand)#List_of_Finance_Ministers, it appears that Nash is the longest-serving Minister of Finance in New Zealand's history. One option is to include this in the opening of this section.
I suggest the first few sentences are reworked as follows:
I propose replacing: "He would retain the finance portfolio for the next 14 years, holding it longer consecutively than anyone else." with two sentences: "Nash remained as Minister of Finance for the next 14 years. As of 2023, he has the longest period of continuous service in that role." This avoids the use of the conditional "would", and "longer consecutively".
the phrase "He reintroduced a graduated land tax at high rates.." could be improved for greater clarity. If this land tax was reintroduced, how long had it not been in effect ?. Also, what does "high" mean ? In relation to what ?
The sentence beginning "Although some unemployment persisted,.." would be best split into two, after "policies". The words "which saw them" could be replaced by more encyclopedic language, such as "The changes in economic policy included ..."
Add a comma after "The negotiations were only partially successful.."
The third paragraph about Jewish refugees does not relate to content before or after. Some improved linkage is required, and ideally this will clarify why it is relevant to include this under "Minister of Finance".
I actually cannot find any other info related to this point so to expand it. It seems like a rogue quote so I have removed it.Kiwichris (talk) 01:19, 7 April 2023 (UTC)[reply]
"Nash, however, was supported by both Savage and Fraser .." would be better as "However, Nash was supported by both Savage and Fraser.." This has better flow and avoids three successive sentences beginning with "Nash".
Revise the sentence "Nash instead stated the government would react by introducing exchange controls and import selection which he stated in January 1939 would allow the country to maintain its living standards while ensuring the country could live within its income." to avoid two uses of "stated" in one sentence. Also try to avoid having "Nash" as the first word in two successive sentences.
the phrase " but thought they was no immediate need until now." could be removed.
the words in parentheses here "Nash's proposals (which conflicted with agreements at 1932's British Empire Economic Conference)... " break the flow of the sentence, and makes it overly long. This content would be better reworked as a second sentence after "memorandum".
this sentence is still hard to read: "Nash's proposals to control primary produce marketing and make trade agreements so as to determine what would be imported and in what quantities were criticised strongly abroad". A shorter alternative could be: "Nash's proposals to control primary produce marketing and restrict imports were strongly criticised abroad".
"borrowing would be necessary " should be "borrowing was necessary"
the sentence fragment "to seek loans and to reassure (in vain) that .." is unclear. Reassure who ?
This sentence should be split: "In the immediate period before the exchange controls system could be established, borrowing was necessary and Nash returned to Britain in April 1939 to seek loans and to reassure the British government (in vain) that existing British exports would not be harmed." Put a full stop after "necessary". (Note: A guideline for length of sentences is to review anything longer than 22 words, to enable easier reading).
"two months in negotiations to hostile officials" should be "two months in negotiations with hostile officials"
This sentence doesn't flow, and needs reworking: "This proposal, that British manufacturers should export themselves rather than their products, a method Nash thought New Zealand could industrialize with minimal need for borrowing, was rejected."
The sentence "Eventually he secured loan of £16 million, but was subject to very harsh terms, which required it to be repaid in five annual instalments." would be better rewritten as: "Nash eventually secured a loan of £16 million, but it was subject to very harsh terms, requiring repayment in five annual instalments."
The sentence: "Over the next few months New Zealand's sterling reserves built up with haste allowing its economic stability to quickly recover which also gave it more than enough money to repay the recent loan" could be simplified to: "Over the next few months, New Zealand's sterling reserves built up quickly and economic stability was restored. The country was then able to repay the loan from Britain."
The first part of this sentence comes out of nowhere: "With Savage seriously ill, the first years of World War II were difficult for the Labour Party. " It would be better revised to "The first years of World War II were difficult for the Labour Party, because Savage was seriously ill."
The sentence "Nash, himself, reluctantly abandoned his earlier pacifism, deeming the war a necessary one." needs rework for better flow. Also, please review where this should be placed in the section, because it currently doesn't link with content either before or after.
"inevitable in any case by the overtly aggressive actions..." should be "inevitable in any case because of the overtly aggressive actions..."
The content about Nash's appointment as Minister from New Zealand in the United States should be in a new paragraph.
The phrase "..but as Minister of Finance frequently returned to Wellington" would be better as "but he frequently returned to Wellington to fulfil his role as as Minister of Finance"
The sentence "So Geoffrey Cox the chargé d'affairs was head of the legation for 11 of the 21 months that Cox was in the United States." would be better as "As a result of Nash's frequent absences, Geoffrey Cox, the First Secretary at the New Zealand Embassy, was chargé d'affaires for 11 out of the 21 months that he was posted to Washington."
This sentence: "Nash was difficult to work for: he was unable to delegate and accumulated files before making a decision, and was inconsiderate of staff." would be better as: "Nash was difficult to work for. He was unable to delegate, accumulated files before making a decision, and was inconsiderate of staff.
For the final paragraph in this section I suggest a rewrite to: "By the time of the 1949 election, the Labour government had become increasingly unpopular, partly as a result of industrial strife and inflation. The election was won by the National Party, led by Sidney Holland."
Leader of the Opposition
I suggest a revision of the first sentence to: "Fraser died shortly after the 1949 election and Nash was elected leader ..."
The second sentence is unclear. I suggest a revision to: "As acting leader, Nash made a controversial decision to bring forward the date for the leadership election to before the imminent by-election for Fraser's seat of Brooklyn.
The phrase "thus Nordmeyer was unable to contest as only elected members" needs an addition: "thus Nordmeyer was unable to contest the leadership, as only elected members..."
"Nash's decision on the election date caused.." should be "Nash's decision on the leadership election date caused.."
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, "The first major test of his leadership came with the waterfront dispute of the same year," should be "The first major test of his leadership came with the 1951 waterfront dispute,.."
In the second paragraph, his much quoted statement in relation to the waterfront strike should be directly included: 'We are not for the waterside workers, and we are not against them'. ", with some mention of the fall-out from that remark [4]
Amend ".. inspirational leadership that Savage and Fraser provided. " to ".. inspirational leadership that Savage and Fraser had provided. "
Amend " He fought a strong campaign which saw a gain of five seats and virtually levelling the popular vote with National to only 0.2% behind." to "He fought a strong campaign that led to a gain of five seats and virtually levelled the popular vote with National, with a margin of only 0.2% behind."
I suggest a rewrite of the 4th paragraph last sentence, to become: "Nash's leadership was also bolstered by the talent and energy of new Labour MPs who joined the caucus after the election."
Add a comma after "As the National government began to grow more unpopular.."
Prime Minister
Revise the second sentence and split to become: "Immediately upon taking office, the Second Labour Government found the country's financial situation was much worse than the previous government had admitted. The balance of payments was a serious concern."
Rework the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph and split for better flow, to become: "His focus shifted from his previous interests of finance and social welfare to external affairs. His biographer explained that "for Nash, by 1958, the great moral issues were not poverty and social security at home but world affairs, peace and war.... Also add the name of the biographer.
Split the next sentence to become: "He was also well regarded by his peers for his knowledge of geopolitical matters. Australian foreign minister Richard Casey acknowledged Nash as one of the few world leaders who had any broad and balanced grasp of world affairs:
" trade and tariff terms of Ottawa agreement in .." should be " trade and tariff terms of the Ottawa agreement in .."
in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd paragraph, remove the second "also"
Rework the 5th sentence in the 3rd paragraph to become: "Nash had previously shown interest in Samoa during the 1929 uprising when he collected statistics to evidence Labour's criticism of the New Zealand government's administration of Samoa".
In the final sentence of the 3rd paragraph, "Samoa would gain its independence in 1962.", should be "Samoa gained its independence in 1962."
Rework the first sentence of the 4th paragraph to: "In 1960, Nash was criticised for failing to intervene in the controversy over the rugby tour of South Africa during that year. At the time, South Africa had an apartheid government."
The sentence beginning: "The decision to exclude Māori was widely reported.." should be "The decision to exclude Māori from the team to tour South Africa was widely reported.."
Modify the next sentence to become: "The domestic political effect was more benign because the opposition National Party was also reluctant to see government interference in the tour."
"it would be desirable for South Africa accept Māori" should be "it would be desirable for South Africa to accept Māori"
"until 1970 where Māori players were included" should be : "until 1970 when Māori players were included"
In the 5th paragraph, amend and split "Against expectations he did not appoint a Māori as Minister of Māori Affairs, appointing himself .." to become "Against expectations Nash did not appoint a Māori as Minister of Māori Affairs. Instead, he appointed himself, along with an associate minister Eruera Tirikatene, who had been spokesperson in the portfolio when in opposition."
This sentence reads like speculation and needs review. Who said this ? : "Nash either had reservations about Tirikatene's ability or was nervous that a Māori appointed as Minister of Māori Affairs might favour his own iwi, of which previous minister Āpirana Ngata had been accused of, in a well-remembered scandal". The fragment of this sentence from "of which" needs splitting or rework for better flow.
In the sentence "Nash often spoke on marae frequently repeating his belief.." a comma is needed after marae
In the sentence describing the "Hunn report" add a citation [5]
Amend the next sentence to: "Nash was preoccupied with winning the coming election, and told Hunn ..."
Split the last sentence to become: "The report was left unread and was not implemented until early 1961, when it was published by his successor as Minister of Māori affairs, Ralph Hanan. The Hunn report became the basis of National's policy, to the frustration of Nash."
"the only Labour leader who had served as" should be "the only Labour leader who has served as"
Later life and career
Replace the first sentence with: "By late 1960, Nash was nearly eighty years old."
Rework and shorten the sentence "Skinner was replaced by Fred Hackett, who also died before Nash's retirement also ruling him out as a successor" to become: " Skinner was replaced by Fred Hackett, but Hackett also died before Nash's retirement.
Is there a citation to support: "Nash was the first Labour leader who did not die in office" ?
"..prime ministers who lived and remained in parliament..." should be "..prime ministers who remained in parliament.."
split the sentence beginning: "An old colleague, Ormond Wilson, ..", to become: "An old colleague, Ormond Wilson, said that he "had never heard Walter so clear about an issue". Nash had become unpopular with the left wing because of his responses to the 1951 waterfront dispute and the 1960 rugby tour to South Africa, but his outspokenness in opposition to the war did a great deal to restore his reputation.
I suggest moving the remaining content here to a new section with a Level 1 heading: Death and state funeral
Death and state funeral
"In late 1966 he had spent three weeks in hospital.. " can be shortened to "In late 1966 he spent three weeks in hospital .."
the sentence: "His body lay in state at parliament and he was awarded a state funeral, the first since Fraser's in 1950, which was held at St James' Church of England, Lower Hutt." should be split, to avoid confusion over whose funeral was held at St James. Also, this sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.
The obituary notices/remarks contain useful content that could be cited, as a summary of how Nash was perceived at the time. Here are some sources: [6], [7]
this section needs a statement about where Nash was buried.
the sentence: "At 86 years old he is apparently the oldest ever person to be a serving MP." needs qualification eg, "to be a serving New Zealand MP"
Honours and awards
No comments
Honorific eponyms
Needs citations to support this content
I note that the Walter Nash Centre can be included (ie the official name seems to be Centre, not Stadium). See: [8]
Personal life
This section seems rather thin, covering only smoking, food and drink. Surely there is more that is worth including ?
What about his immediate family ?
Interests and activities outside politics ? Here is one source giving details of his involvement in churches, published while he was lying in state: [9]
There is a photo in the article of the house that Nash lived in for 38 years, but this is not mentioned in this section of text.
"Sinclair comments that while minister " should be "Keith Sinclair commented that while minister .." (note wikilink)
There is too much detail about Stuart Nash. It could simply say that he was an MP from 2008 to 2011 and again from 2014 to 2023.
On further review of this section, I suggest the following minor changes:
relocate the image of Nash's house into this section, where it is a better fit
change "the Selly Oak Cricket Club" to "the Selly Oak Cricket Club, Birmingham
change "His interest extended to statistics and could recite.. " to "His interest extended to statistics and he could recite.."
split the sentence beginning "In his youth..." to become "In his youth Nash was interested in Christian theology. He was an assiduous Anglican church service attendee all his life, but overall held very basic views of Christianity"
References
added a couple of reference urls to citations
no other comments.
Bibliography
no comments
External links
no comments
Images
Some images are too large, e.g. the state funeral one. Upright images should use the parameter "upright".
I am placing this article on hold until 23 April to allow time for the review comments to be addressed. During this time, I will review a sample of references. I will also use a strike-through in the review comments, when individual items have been addressed.Marshelec (talk) 02:10, 4 April 2023 (UTC)[reply]
@Kiwichris: Thank you for great work on preparing this article for the GA review process, and for all your responses to the review comments. The article is in great shape. Congratulations on your first GA. The ChristieBot will shortly add the GA icon along with some other actions.. Marshelec (talk) 19:50, 10 April 2023 (UTC)[reply]
