Wikipedia:Peer review/Summer Wars/archive2

Summer Wars

Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I plan to get this to at least a GA and I have been working on this article significantly, especially the reception section. Comments on how to improve this article should be very much appreciated.

Thanks, Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 14:08, 21 February 2011 (UTC)

• I would recommend using a table for the "Voice cast" section so all the names could be separated into columns. Maybe something like what is at My Neighbor Totoro – Cast, but a little more polished and with a "Description" column besides the name columns. Erik (talk | contribs) 14:17, 21 February 2011 (UTC)

Table has been added. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:15, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

Comments from Kollision

• Name fixes
  • "Bill Jenkins" link needs disambiguation
  • "Ichiro Nagai" → "Ichirō Nagai"
  • "Yasujiro Ozu" → "Yasujirō Ozu"
  • "Joe Hisashi" → "Joe Hisaishi"

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:18, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• Logical quotation fixes (fullstop should go before the inverted comma)
  • pre-sales for the tickets are very high". → pre-sales for the tickets are very high."
  • usual SF/fantasy anime look childish and dull".
  • seems like a dream state".
  • seem silly rather than suspenseful".
  • both melodramatic and corny".
  • Debra Messing rom-com".
• "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time won the same award three years earlier at the festival" - remove. stay on topic, this article is about Summer Wars not The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

Removed. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• "Hosoda's The Girl Who Leapt Through Time won the same award in 2006." - same thing. this and the above could be moved to Hosoda's article

Removed. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• "similarities between OZ and Second Life" - italicize "Second Life"

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• "Summer Wars won the Audience Award" - italicize "Summer Wars"

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• "Japanese Blu-ray release of Summer Wars" - italicize "Summer Wars"

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• Last three short paragraphs of the Home media section should be merged into one paragraph.

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:25, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• Voice cast section - A lot of the descriptions I feel go beyond bring descriptive of what is mentioned in the film and are interpretive. These should be changed or if accurate, they should be backed up by a secondary source.
  • "Kenji is invited by his crush Natsuki" - I don't remember it being stated in the film that Natsuki is Kenji's crush

Rewritten. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 23:04, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

• • "a secret confidante" - that's not how I'd describe their relationship

Rewritten. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 23:04, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

• • "Kazuma is also a hikikomori" - is he really?
  • "Natsuki refers to him as her "first love,"" - In the film it is one of her aunt's that describe him as her first love.

Corrected. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 23:04, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

• • "a shopkeeper of the family's electric company." - Described in the film as an electronics shop, his position is not mentioned or that it is the family's shop

Corrected. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 23:04, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

• • A lot of the job specific job positions aren't in the film, what's the source?
• Plot section
  • "meets Wabisuke Jinnouchi (Ayumu Saitō/J. Michael Tatum), Natsuki's uncle and a Carnegie Mellon University professor." - I think explaining that he has been gone for ten years is more important than the fact that he is a Carnegie Mellon professor. It will also make some of the things mentioned later make more sense.
  • "He discovers a mysterious e-mail" → "He receives a mysterious e-mail"
  • "causing Kenji to become the primary suspect" - it is unclear here what Kenji is the primary suspect of. I think it would be better to remove this and replace it with an explanation of what Love Machine did (eg. "causing widespread damage")
  • "disables the power grid" - As far as I can tell, Love Machine never disabled the power grid. It just messes around with things like the water pressure, senior citizens' emergency buttons, fire alarms, GPS systems, etc.
  • "Kenji is exposed and promptly arrested; however, Natsuki has Kenji return to the estate." - This would be confusing if the reader hasn't seen the film. Kenji is arrested and Natusuki just has him return to the estate!? Maybe clarify that he was arrested by Shota and how he was "exposed".
  • "leaving Natsuki in shock" - I think more important is that fact that this really pisses off Sakae and that Wabisuke leaves after the fight.
  • "and Kenji hacks into the GPS directly" → "and Kenji tries to hacks into the satellite's GPS directly"
  • "Arawashi hits too close to the residence" → "Arawashi hits close to the residence"

Plot comments have been addressed. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:20, 28 February 2011 (UTC)

• The BBFC citation needs to be properly formatted.

Done. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 02:50, 7 March 2011 (UTC)

• For consistency, change the ISO dates in the citations to the US date format.

- Kollision (talk) 03:49, 27 February 2011 (UTC)